I recently started writing. I thought I could share it on the internet. Why? That's actually my personal space, isn't it? Why do I feel the need to share it? Ig it's because I look for a way to show people my soul or interact them? I'm cold and distant. I don't let people take bites from life (or heart). Because everyone has an end. In different ways. They leave me, I leave them, we slowly lose contact, we argue... Eventually everyone has an end in other people's lives. I don't want to be hurt when it ends. So I built walls to surround me, to protect me from people. So high. I'm like the princesses in stories, the ones who are locked in tall towers by their evil-witch moms. How funny it is that I'm both the witch and the princess. Locked by myself but it seems I lost the keys. I thought (and still think) if I don't let people reach my soul and just have shallow relationships with them, I could finally be happy. Yes, I'm happy. I wake up without a regret in my head, I don't feel like a misfit in this world. But at what cost? Feelings. It cost my feelings. I lost them to be happy, if you could call it happiness, of course. I'm more like a person who forgot sadness, regret, anger, excitement, sorrow, hate, love. I gave up on my emotions because "they never bring me any good". I feel like an empty shell. I became a person who only trusts their mind. I ask myself, Am I happy? I say "Yes", "Yes because you've finally become the person you always wanted to be." A person who only thinks of themselves and their career and when it comes to their relationships with people, only a pretender, an observer." A person who pretends to be able to love? There are so many thoughts in my mind. I want to write them all. That's why my writings are somewhat disorganised, shallow (just like I am). But today I will only write about the emotionless person that I am. Maybe later I will write about my being a pretender.

I locked myself in a tall, ivory tower. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out ( they can't get in and I can't get out.). I surrounded myself with bricks. I did it on purpose so that I would be alone but not lonely (Now am I alone but not lonely, or lonely but not alone?). Have i reached my goal? Yes. How nice, isn't it? I don't know. The bricks i built became tall, tall walls. Those walls became an unreachable tower with me on the top of it. From the top, everything seems as if they lost their meaning. People seem so... Meaningless. Them with their little hopes, love, hate. Them with feelings. How human of them to have feelings. How crude. It looks pointless to me to fall in love with someone. It seems ridiculous to hate someone. Its disappointing to be hopeful. It's so naive to to be excited. I feel like a lone queen. A queen who observes. How arrogant of me, nay? How judging I am towards people with feelings. I said "How human of them". Did I look down on humans? Did I look them with disdain in my heart? Did I reject that I am a human too? How silly of me. Do I love humans? Do I hate them for their cruelty? I don't know. When I ask myself such questions, there is no answer coming from my chest. I don't feel any love or hate. I feel like an empty shell. Maybe that's why I felt like I didn't belong to "human". A shell, pretending to have a human in it. Pretending to have feelings. Next week we will go on a summer holiday. I pretend to be looking forward to it like everyone else. But what I really think is that it will be really hot and burdensome. It's not that "I don't want to go" it's that "I don't care if I go or not". I really don't feel anything about it at all. I guess when I locked myself in that tower of mine I overlooked that emotions come from human interactions. Today, I was reading a book and it said " Hamurunda aşk yoktu". I related to that quote. I pretended I had love to give people (some boys even begged and yearned for my love) but I didn't have any love to give. When I limited myself from opening up to people, I came to realise that I can't even pretend to love anymore. I'm just left with an empty shell. I wonder, "will there be a girl I will love so blindly?" Then I think to myself, "No. How can it be? I never let myself go with the flow. To love means to let yourself get drowned in their river, not fighting against the flow. Just letting it be. I would never do that. I never did so too." I'm always so beware, so kept together, so calm and collected. I never let myself make any mistakes. So I can never "fall" in love. How stupid I was in sometime in the past. Now, I think, am I not happy with my not letting go? No. Not really. I don't care. I'm not hurt. This is how I protect myself. I don't feel anything. Do I want to feel something? I don't know. If I feel, I will be vulnerable and hurt. That sounds like fear. As if I'm afraid of being hurt but not really. That was in the past when I started to build walls between me and people. Now, I'm sitting on the top of that unreachable tower of mine. Nobody or no feeling can reach me, thus hurt me. Now, I think, if I get hurt, will I feel that way? Such a strange question, nay? I will be surprised if someone gets close enough to me to take a bit from my heart. I would probably respect such a person lol. How ironic. I used to beg people to touch my soul. Now they beg for it and I don't let them. Because I know it's an ugly one and there is a possibility that they will see nothing, because yk, I'm an empty shell and all.

My writing isn't meaningful. It lacks art. It's just me venting. I guess it's also full of contradicts. If I write a lot maybe the thoughts of mine will lessen day by day. So that maybe I will become a better writer, who knows what to write and how to write it. I'm done with my writing for today, now I am publishing it online and while doing so I keep thinking "Oh what a shallow writing, lack of art is overwhelming". However, I don't care. I will get better eventually. Even if I don't, I won't care. Now I'm just mad that I'm a slow-typer on computer.