Yesterday, I went to the movie Oppenheimer with Auntie S. It was nice but since I lack the knowledge about scientists, I sometimes missed the point to try to grasp what was going on (I also thought I would love the movie if I studied maths and science as my parents wished so instead of linguistics, lol). But I realised I never thought Bohr that I was taught at school had a life on his own, or Albert E. could have acquaintances with real people. I mean, I never thought of them as real people that could be involved in politics, romance etc. It felt weird. It is with what we do with celebrities I guess. I stop seeing them as humans somehow. It's weird. I don't have much opinion on atomic bombs. It's devastating that people do that to other people. Humans are cruel and I don't know a way to stop this. If we could stop atomic bombs from getting built, some people would find something else to harm others. They would, really. That's just what a human is sometimes, but I wouldn't solely depict humans as cruel beings. Humans have everything. Remorse, love, hate, art, sorrow... It's beautiful. And also very ugly. It's what makes a person a human I guess. Now, as I'm writing this, I've realised that I was being harsh on myself for a while. I thought I was ugly as a soul. Maybe I am, but it means I'm just as beautiful like everybody else. Today I had a phone call with D. She also said something similar to this and made me realise I was not kind towards myself. I am only as ugly as beautiful that I am. I will embrace this mindset now. So I got rid of this self-loathing-based mindset. That's nice. I'm glad that I have friends that help me out. Later today, I came across to a quote "If you want to have a friend, first, be the friend you want to have." kinda something. It got me thinking how I got such nice friends. I used to have a toxic friend group and I thought all relationships were always somewhat toxic. I'm more than lucky to have such friends to get me out of these mindsets.

I felt really free yesterday because I didn't wear a bra and I wore something a little bit more revealing than usual. It was cool. I don't know what I find cool about it though. Probably because I felt really "free" and "grown up". I saw a girl also. She was really charismatic and beautiful. I really wished she would think the same about me but she didn't even see me as I walked by her (how silly of me to write about my street crush on my diary. So teenage girl of me to do that really.). How sad. Also Auntie S. gifted me a bag she got for me from Mongolia. I love it. How cute.

Back to the topic that has been bugging me for days. "Emptiness" and feeling like an "shell pretending to have a human in it". Someone said that my writings were confessions not only to myself but also to other and I was seeking help to fill the void inside me. I thought about it. Yes. They were. I thought I didn't know if I wanted to fill the void. Well, I did want so, as it appears. And I got 2 comments on my writings. One said that they related to a heartfelt sentence of mine and said they found it meaningful. Suddenly, life started to feel less empty. I felt like I touched a person's soul with what I've written. I felt like I did art! I felt like I accomplished art. Another comment stated that my writing was nice and they wanted to see my next works so that they could practice English. I was happy. Genuinely.

I came to realise that the shallow relationships I have are a way that I stop myself from oversharing my personal life. I feel like I will have less problems with that if I continue writing diaries. If so many thoughts are present in one's head, one needs to let them go, somehow. By talking, writing or some other way that I don't know of. If I write, I will come to a better understanding of what to talk about and not with people. My emotions are somewhere deep down. They will come to me eventually It's not like I have a disorder or anything. How dramatic of me really. I think I need a holiday and better socialisation. I hate summers. I can see my friends or people at school normally but in the summer, I can't help but feel alone and depressed.

Today, I thought a lot while peeling potatoes. I was contemplating on why I felt so shallow, whether I was really an ugly soul, why I was so "unreachable" and why I made myself "unreachable". I will think harder on the relationship between my "emptiness" and "my friendships". It was weird. I was peeling potatoes, but, was I really? It felt like I was on autopilot. My body was busy peeling potatoes but I was so deep in thoughts that I didn't ecen "acknowledge" I was peeling potatoes. Then I started thinking about the act of my peeling potatoes. Then I lost the track of my thoughts. It was weird. So I need more time to think. It was nice to sit and do some house chore and also think important matters and also was really weird.

And lastly today, I realised I failed as a sister. From now on, I promise myself to be a better sibling. I will do better. I will be a better sister. This breaks my heart so much that I don't even want to write about it ( I feel mad at myself, so I do feel things? But I "think" I feel anger, but... I need more time to dig out my emotions.).

Ayrıca bugün kardeşim elektrikli süpürgeye robot ejderha dedi. It looks like that actually. But only kids can see such things so naturally I guess.

Also my friend Y. was worried about me today when I said I was soaked with water ( I was playing with water with my sibling). He told me to be careful not to catch a cold if there was a fan or a/c on. It was really cute, it made my heart so warm for a moment when I realised I had such a considerate friend.